16.
During my trainee days, my family never once sent Choi Hong-seo any side dishes. When I said I wanted to become a celebrity, they raised their voices and told me to leave the house, accusing me of chasing empty dreams without any effort to make money. As a result, even on the rare holidays, Choi Hong-seo couldn’t return home. The situation remained the same after his debut because his period as an unknown artist was long. It wasn’t until he started bringing money back that he was barely treated like a son. They only saw Choi Hong-seo as a source of money.
President Myung? If he were the one, he’d have cut into my corpse rather than cremate me properly and enshrine it in a ceremonial hall, let alone a VIP room? That was an impossible story.
There was only one person in the world who would treat him as a VIP. It was something he didn’t even need to think deeply about. He knew who was responsible for this.
Choi Hong-seo’s steps slowly halted in front of the glass chamber at the seventh tier, which was the most eye-catching and meticulously decorated, similar to the eye level of most people.
“……”
He clearly saw the name engraved on the memorial tablet standing next to the pure white urn.
Choi Hong-seo.
However, neither on the urn nor on the memorial tablet could he find the character 故 (deceased). It seemed that whoever prepared this enshrinement was extremely reluctant to use that character…
Unconsciously, Choi Hong-seo clutched the strap of his crossbody bag tightly across his chest. Then, he slowly took in each of the decorations inside the glass chamber.
Around the urn and memorial tablet, there were lovely decorations including vibrant fresh flowers, Choi Hong-seo’s solo albums, fan-made portraits, and cute caricatures using ‘Hongsi’—Choi Hong-seo’s nickname—as the motif. A note written by hand from a fan was also attached to the Hongsi caricature holding cookies.
To our leader Hongsi, we hope you can eat these cookies as much as you want without worrying about gaining weight, leaving behind all your worries and only remembering those who love you.
In the picture, Hongsi enjoying a mountain of cookies was painted in a warm, pastel shade of orange, with half-closed eyes and a satisfied smile. He looked soft, tender, and utterly happy without a trace of sadness or gloom.
The hand holding the bag strap tightened even more, making Choi Hong-seo’s knuckles turn white.
When the ‘X scandal’ was fully exposed, he had been completely terrified that even the fans who had supported him for a long time would turn their backs on him. That no one would see him as a victim.
He had been convinced that those who left would never forgive him. He hadn’t imagined someone would remember and portray him happily like this.
Next to the Hongsi character was a portrait of Choi Hong-seo, with a bright smile. It was a vivid piece that seemed like Choi Hong-seo in the drawing would burst out laughing at any moment. There was also a short note alongside the portrait.
To our beloved leader Hongsi.
Don’t worry about us and please rest easy.
We believe in you and will only remember the happiness you gave us.
Choi Hong-seo stood there for a long while. What he felt keenly in that place was nothing but regret. An all-consuming regret that shook his entire being and made his bones ache.
He realized he had done something he should have never done. In trying to avoid the wrath of those who didn’t love him, and fearing the contempt of those who did, he inflicted the worst kind of pain on them. That wasn’t love. He had only thought of himself.
Clutching the bag strap with both hands, he bit down hard on his lower lip.
Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot…
“Yoon Hae-an?”
“……”
Startled by the sudden voice from behind, Choi Hong-seo released his bitten lip.
The voice behind him sounded puzzled upon finding someone who shouldn’t be at this place. Choi Hong-seo also felt the same confusion about this unexpected meeting. He was not mentally prepared at all.
Turning around hesitantly, he saw that as expected, Lee Hae-sung stood there holding fresh flowers to redecorate the enshrinement site.
“What brings you here?”
His voice was as cold as metal clashing against metal.
“I…I just came to visit Hong-seo.”
Because the encounter was so unexpected, he had no choice but to answer spontaneously. His voice trembled.
Lee Hae-sung’s face looked suspicious. After all, he knew well that besides Jeong Ji-in and Lee Hyun-soo, who were in the same company, Choi Hong-seo did not get close to many people in the entertainment industry.
Walking further toward him with a sofa set placed in the center of the hall between them, his icy gaze felt like it was piercing Choi Hong-seo’s skin.
“Were you close with Choi Hong-seo?”
Despite knowing everything, he was probing. Choi Hong-seo couldn’t lie to someone who knew the truth. His hands, gripping the bag strap, were now twisting and wringing it almost to breaking point.
“No… Not really… We just exchanged greetings a few times.”
“……”
He was asking with his expression, why is someone like you here? He showed no welcoming expression for a surprising visitor who came to see the deceased.
“Since I took over the role that was Hong-seo’s, I came to say my respects…”
“Your way of addressing is strange.”
“……”
“Aren’t you a year younger than Choi Hong-seo? And you said you weren’t close.”
A tone reminiscent of an interrogating detective.
It was a side of Lee Hae-sung that Choi Hong-seo didn’t know. Being rejected by him was painful, yet seeing a new side of him made him want to see more. Mustering courage, he lifted his head.
Judging by his immaculate suit, he had come straight from work, appearing as the vice-president of ARA Electronics you would often see on the news. His facial expression, however, was very much alive. It wasn’t the poker face devoid of emotions that reporters usually grumbled about.
Seemingly displeased with their silent and prolonged eye contact, his brow furrowed openly.
“I’m sorry.”
Choi Hong-seo barely managed to say that, lowering his head.
“For someone here to pay respects, it seems you didn’t even prepare a single flower.”
“……”
He had come empty-handed, finding it absurd to mourn his own death with flowers. Yet he couldn’t explain that to him straight out.
Lee Hae-sung’s icy gaze swept down the tightly dressed Yoon Hae-an from head to toe. It wasn’t hard to imagine how he, clad in nothing but luxury brands, would appear in his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it through…”
Choi Hong-seo clung to his bag strap, tearing at the dry skin on his lower lip with his teeth.
His eyes stung, and he felt his tear ducts welling up. He didn’t want to cry. Choi Hong-seo had never been that type of person for a long time. He had no room for tears or lamentations; all he thought of was becoming a top star. He worked endlessly hard, lived ruthlessly and fiercely.
Yet in front of this person, it was hard to stay fierce. He couldn’t do it. He had never needed to be tough around this person. This was the one person who melted all his hardness away.
“Even if I invested, the project belongs entirely to the director, so I have no intention of interfering in the casting. I don’t think Yoon Hae-an fits the role that well, but if that’s the director’s opinion, I’ll follow it.”
“……”
“But I hope you stop mimicking.”
Choi Hong-seo’s fingers tightened around the bag strap so hard that his nails dug into his flesh.
He felt dizzy. As strength left his spine, cold sweat spread all over his body in an instant. Staggering towards a chair a few steps ahead, he grabbed onto the backrest.
Each time he looked in the mirror and saw Yoon Hae-an’s face, it never failed to shock him. Yet presently, the torment of being unable to tell him that he was, in fact, Choi Hong-seo made him feel his death and this unbelievable reincarnation more keenly.
You really have died. The one he loves is gone now.
“Now that you’ve won the role you wanted, what is your purpose in coming here?”
“……”
He was now fully expressing his displeasure. His face looked like he might grab him by the collar and drag him out any moment.
He remembered his face being mathematically perfect, with proportions so flawless they seemed almost calculated. But now, his face was slightly thinner and rougher than the last memory. And he was showing expressions Choi Hong-seo had never seen before.
“Just because the person no longer exists in this world doesn’t mean people like you can use him however you like. Do you understand?”
It was the first time he had seen him so furious.
Not through news articles or even through the engraved name on the memorial tablet, but through him, he confirmed his death over and over. He denied his existence again and again, asserting that you are not Choi Hong-seo. He didn’t love anyone who wasn’t Choi Hong-seo.
I am truly dead.
Sweat ran profusely, soaking his clothes. The ground seemed to sway and churn like waves beneath his feet. Like the nauseous feeling that welled up when he first looked up articles about him in the hospital.
But somehow, he wanted to hold it together until he could leave this place. Passing out here would guarantee he’d be accused of putting on a show. Right now, his tears or fainting would be seen as nothing but disgusting theatrics by him. There would be no comfort, no embrace, not even any solace.
Had I known it would come to this, I’d have asked Yong-jae to come with me…
Choi Hong-seo bit his lip hard enough to taste the bitter blood.
“What are you doing? Hey, Yoon Hae-an.”
His displeased, distorted expression flickered and then completely vanished from his sight.
If I were really Yoon Hae-an and half-crazed into believing myself to be Choi Hong-seo, then everything I think I remember about my time with Lee Hae-sung would also be delusion.
If that were the case, I wouldn’t be hurting so much just looking at the supposed lover from a false relationship.
These emotions and this pain couldn’t possibly be fake.
